Kitty’s Place

I find myself getting more and more angry at life lately. I suppose it is just that I feel so out of place here. There does not seem to be any freedom in my world at this time. I am tied to kid and pets and home. Some days I want to just get on the train and go somewhere all by myself. Not have to walk the dog, clean the litter box, care for the kid, wait on the man. Go out and eat at a restaurant and forget about cooking and doing the dishes. Not forever, just for a day or two.

When I was home I could just go in the morning. The kidlet was portable then. I would put him in the snugglie or the stroller and get on a bus. There was no Ibo to be accountable to. As long as I was home early enough to talk to him online, my life was my own. Just lately he too has been commenting on how nice life was here when we were in Canada. I am sure he has the same frustrations. No sleeping in anymore. Animals panting on him or licking him. Kidlet yelling and babbling from the early hours of the day. Maybe it would have been better to have left things as they were. Each with our own lives and just finding a couple hours a day to catch up with the other. But then the kidlet would lose out. He is happy having a mom and dad in the same place. I would miss hearing Ibo’s voice and he would miss cuddling up. So I guess we will stay put and my anger will sizzle here on the back burner until it burns itself out or bursts into flames and I have to deal with it.

Monday morning and the rain is pouring down. Since I sent the umbrella off with my fellow to work, I guess I will just stay home today. *smile*

Had a busy weekend. Friday evening my aunt called again and again I missed the call. So I finally called there about 8 pm. My uncle answered and said I had just missed her, she was on her way to Port. By this time I knew that my uncle in Port must have deteriorated and that was the message I got during the phonecall. When I hung up from him, I called my grandparents. Grampa said yes, my uncle (mom’s brother) was much worse. My Grama said he was not so good but she was sure he would get better again. Soon after this call I spoke to my sister on msn and got the most realistic picture. My uncle was dying and time was short. She said she would email and let me know when it happened. I said how much I hate being so far away.

Saturday morning I joined Weight Watchers here. I did understand most of what was said in the lecture, which just proves I do know more than I give myself credit for. After I got home and made lunch, we headed to Månkarbo to the cottage. It is so relaxing out there.

When we arrived, no one was there and the kidlet was some upset not to find farmor and farfar at their cottage. He had already had a cry earlier when we turned the wrong way and headed away from their house. I guess he thought we were really fooling him about them being at the cottage, not the house. They arrived back soon after we got there. We got home here about 9:30 pm and I had planned to call home again after I settled the kidlet in bed. But I laid down to read to him and fell asleep and that was it for the night.

Sunday we slept in, had a late breakfast and then we went to work. It was so much faster than last week. My SO drove, which took 30 minutes, as opposed to the hour and a half it takes by train and subway. He stayed and entertained the kidlet, so it took half an hour less time to do the actual cleaning since I didn’t have kidlet wanting me to play with him. We came home and heated up the beef stew I had put on in the morning.

I checked my mail for the thousandth time of the weekend and there was no message from my sister. So I called to my grandparents when dinner was over. It was rather obvious when I spoke to Grampa that my uncle was gone. Finally caught up with my aunt and she gave me more details.

Carl was my mom’s only brother and the baby of the family. He was a very vital part of our lives, as are all my mom’s family. When he was first diagnosed with cancer he came one day and talked to me about it. At that point it was not something anyone knew about, except his own family. He talked to me to see what I could tell him from a medical point of view. I remember going into the house after he left and throwing cushions. If anyone had looked in the window they would have thought me a madwoman. I was angry that this man who I loved so much was ill and in pain and that once again my grandparents were going to have to live with one of their children having cancer. I didn’t know then that in a short time my father would also be diagnosed with cancer and that we would see both of them suffer.

When I left to move here I remember how hard it was saying goodbye to Carl. I thought I would never see him again. Happily I was wrong about that. While I was settling into my new home, he became a grandfather and had the chance to spend time with his lovely grand daughter. When we were home in March I got to spend some more time with him and I treasure that. All last week I thought about him. Silly little things like when I bought candy and there were some ‘good n plenty’ ones. That made me think of the song “Charlie says …” and how we used to think it was my uncle they were talking about in the song. I am glad he was a part of our lives and showed us love and laughter.

My SO asked this morning if I wanted to go home. I said no. We have had a trip to Canada once this year and cannot afford another so soon. He is a sweetie even though you would not guess it from his growly exterior. *s
mile*

It looked fun so I stole this from

It was no surprise to me that there was no match for Kitty Sue. There also was no match for my SO and Ibrahim is not that unusual a name. Happily, the kidlet did match and it is certainly correct as far as the feelings and nature part at least. *smile*

Llywellyn
~ Llewelyn ~
(Old Welsh)

~ meaning ~
Leader and Lion

~ motivation ~
Tries to correct injustices

~ character ~
Someone to be counted on

~ feelings ~
Likes to be included

~ intelligence ~
Has ability to concentrate

~ spiritual ~
Are happy with their beliefs

~ nature ~
An inquisitive person

~ inherent ~
You have a love of all things artistic

It has been a bad week as far as being homesick. I go along for a few weeks feeling settled and then it hits. I don’t have a clue why.

This week I have had a cry every day, missing home. Monday I came home from playgroup upset about my dad. One of the women asked me how my parents were and it reminded me yet again that I no longer have parents. I do remember telling people there when my dad died but I suppose I didn’t tell everyone. Yesterday it was the coffee thing, I sipped my tea in the morning and sobbed because I wanted a Tim Horton’s coffee. I made shortbread from grama g’s recipe and it turned out terrible. Forgot to adjust the flour and it was almost soggy. Had been thinking about those cookies for weeks and the disappointment was great. I did make more Tuesday and they turned out fine. Last night I made rice krispie squares. They were flat and heavy, even though they were made the same way I always make them.

I got up in the night and phoned my aunt. The line was busy and I never did get through. This morning the kidlet was “talking” to farfar on the phone. He dialed a couple numbers and chatted. His dad took the phone away and hung it up. But for some reason it never disconnected. So while I was dressing the kidlet to go to öppna förskolan, the cell phone started beeping. Someone had left a message on our home phone. It was my aunt, the one I had tried to call a few hours earlier. She gets up in the middle of the night (3 am or so) her time and calls here. When I heard her voice and realized I had missed her call I sat down on the floor and cried forever. Kidlet came out from the bedroom in his diaper and t-shirt and kept patting me on the head.

I have been writing these letters home for days. Have 4 done and 1 to go. They will all have a picture or two from our trip to Canada in the spring.

We had a birthday party at playgroup today. One of the children turned 1. It seems like no time has passed since she was born. All the kids got a balloon to bring home with them. Salmon was on sale this week so I bought a couple and deboned them then froze the fillets. Tonight we will have a beef stew, since I bought soup vegetables this morning.

Am going to do another websearch for the raisin cookie recipe. When I get this homesick I want to make things that remind me of home. *smile*

Had a fairly busy day so far. Was up early as usual and did some picking up here. Then it was off to maintenance to get a new lock for the laundry room.

Here we have a common room for 3 buildings in the complex (48 apartments). The use of the laundry room is part of what is covered in our monthly condo fees. There is a board on the wall with the 4 time periods across the top and the dates running down the side. So each day there are 4 open times for laundry. Each time has a ring where you affix a small lock with your condo number on it. The system works very well.

On August 1st I went there at 5:30 pm to do my wash and discovered my lock was gone. There is no clue as to where it went. I remember putting it up there and turning to check the calendar to verify the date. Maybe I did not click it shut. But if that is the case then you would think that if a person noticed it, they would have left it, closed it or hung it back on the bar on the wall that is there for locks not in use. But it was nowhere to be found. So a trip to the maintenance office was in order. I did not feel this was something to call the emergency number over. Well, the maintenance supervisor had left a note on the door saying he was on vacation from July 31st until August 21st. So we have been 3 weeks with no laundry done. It was not a big problem since we have lots of linens and clothes. But the past few days have seen dresses and trousers coming out of the closet where they have resided for many months, unseen. *laugh*

The kidlet and I got to the office when it opened this morning and explained the problem. This was a fun adventure since he neither understands nor speaks english and my spoken swedish is still rather limited. But we managed to get our points across to each other. He did tell me that if this ever happens again, I can take my own lock and write the unit number on it and use it. He also laughed when I described the amount of laundry that can accumulate in 3 weeks. He dropped the new, engraved with unit number lock through the mail slot in the early afternoon and I ran to book the evening time slot. So we will have clean clothes tomorrow and I will do laundry again on Thursday to clean towels, bedding and scatter rugs.

We headed straight from the office to playgroup. The kidlet had much fun. Today we played train. Mom put the track together and he supervised where bridges and tunnels should go. He also played with the other kids and enjoyed the daily singing of kids songs. We made a trip to the post office from there and then home again. Kidlet got his tricycle and we walked the dog for her afternoon walk. Then lunch, more cleaning and then it was time for him to go meet his dad. The two of them went to my SO’s parents. He took the kidlet because they were going to be working on the car and that is “guy stuff”. *smile*

I have a couple more letters to write tonight and then will enclose the pictures I have sorted out and send them off to Canada.

Öppna förskolan reopened today. The kidlet has been talking about his friends from playgroup the past week or so. I think he has had enough of only mom as a playmate during the day. *laugh*

Friday evening we went for dinner with farmor and farfar. They hadn’t seen the kidlet for a couple weeks and he was missing his grandparents as much as they were missing him. He couldn’t run to give hugs and kisses fast enough and was glued to farfar for about an hour. The 3 of them, farfar, pappa and kidlet (a nice 3 generation mix) went and worked on the car while my SO’s mom and I got dinner started.

We had crayfish and it was wonderful. She put on a big pot of water and added a bunch of spices, a bulb of garlic, two whole onions, potatoes and corn on the cob. Then once they were cooked she added a bunch of crayfish and cooked them too. We had fresh rolls and brie with it. While we were getting dinner ready, I mentioned that as well as the crayfish being out in the stores again, I had also seen surströmming. I still have not eaten it but am not really anxious to either. *laugh*

Surströmming is baltic herring that is allowed to ferment in the can. The cans actually bulge from the gases that build up inside them from the rotting fish. I am told that the smell is comparable to that of a large dead rat decomposing in between the walls of a home. I am also told that once you get past the smell, the fish is actually quite palatable, but I think I will pass on this delicacy for now. *smile*

Saturday the kidlet got up before us and wreaked havoc. He got out the new loaf of bread I had bought for breakfast and a knife (dinner knife) and just gouged the bread to oblivion trying to slice some. Then he rooted out all his father’s tools and made a mess in general. When I finally heard him and woke up, he was sent to bed. I am having a hard time making him stay in bed in the morning, some days he is up before 6 am and then closes our bedroom door so he can do his thing without waking us. *laugh* He then had a major temper tantrum and consequently was left in bed for a while. He fell asleep and was in much better humour after his nap. We spent the day at home and then made pizza for supper.

Sunday I went to work. I had been going to go on Saturday but changed my mind when the kidlet fell asleep. Since he was so good, got up before us but played quietly in the bedroom and did not make a mess at all, I took him with me. It is a 90 minute trip to the place I am cleaning at. 45 minutes on the train and then 45 minutes on the subway. The kidlet loves it. I cleaned and he “helped”. He also brought with him the new knapsack that his grandparents bought for him, full of toys. So it was a fun afternoon. His dad met us at the train station when we got home at 8 pm. He said that this job is going to end up costing us money if I take the kidlet for hot dogs and ice cream every week. *laugh* But it was a fun day and he was not scared once. That was nice.

Today we went to playgroup first thing in the morning and he had the greatest time. It was like the kids were rediscovering the toys they were getting bored with before summer break. By the time it was time to come home, he was so wired that he was almost running in circles. As well as seeing his friends and having different toys to play with, in honour of the first day back, the kids had ice cream with a variety of topping to choose from. I enjoyed being out and seeing the other moms again and most of all I enjoyed my morning coffee. When I am at home I don’t bother making coffee just for me. So it is treat to have that cup in the morning while the kids are playing.

This week I am going to join Weight Watchers. I am hoping to make it to the Wednesday evening meeting and if not, then I will go Saturday. Wednesday may not be a good time, since that is the night my SO usually has his meetings for the political party he is involved with. I have a coupon that will cover the cost of joining, that was kind enough to mail to me. When I first moved here I lost almost 25 kg, but in the past y
ear it has slowly been put back on. So I am going to start the weight loss plan and will go back to doing all the walking I used to do. I have gotten lazy and have been bussing to places I used to walk to.

Taking a break from cleaning. The cat brought in another bird yesterday and while I did clean up in the bedroom where she decided to chew on it, I just felt like it was the day to hang out all the rugs and do a real thorough cleaning. So I have spent the morning at it. There are still dishes to do and some tidying up though.

We have been out on the bus a couple more times this week. The kidlet loves it but it has been a bit of a challenge the past couple of weeks.

I don’t know if it is a 3 year old thing or what, but he is going through a “scared of everything” phase. It started a few weeks ago when a fly was buzzing around the kitchen window. We don’t seem to get many bugs of any kind in the apartment so it was a bit unusual. Kidlet freaked. We explained it was just a fly, it was little and he was big so he didn’t need to be scared. Then he noticed the picture on the box of cereal, a bunch of beetles and such and refused to eat the cereal. He doesn’t want to get into the bathtub, he won’t wave goodbye to his father in the morning because of that original fly he saw at the window. If he sees a car anywhere he won’t walk until it is out of sight. We went to McDonald’s on Wednesday and he got a happy meal. It was in a bag that had pictures of these fake insects and he cried and didn’t want to eat the food out of the bag. On the bus he screams if he sees a bug on the window. I am at wits end as to how to deal with this. Reasoning isn’t doing it. Yesterday during a thunderstorm he got hysterical. He has never been afraid of them before and actually used to love the lightning because it reminded him of the flash from a camera. I am sure he will outgrow this phase but I feel so bad for him since he has always been a brave independent little soul.

I work this weekend. This will be the start of weekly cleaning there until the summer. It will be nice to get paid and know it is my own money.

Have been getting lots of postcards the past couple of weeks. It has been great fun sending out and receiving them. Now I need to get some letters written and send home the pictures from our trip there in April. I hope it will be a quiet weekend.

Yesterday I spent hours looking through this site that posted in a comment here. It was absolutely amazing and I know I will spend many many more hours there.

All the pictures of the ships that I grew up watching as they moved through the Welland Canal brought back a flood of memories. I remembered when we used to play “chance” at the Seaway building at lock 8. We would laugh and scream and then all stop to watch when a ship started into the lock. I have never grown tired of seeing the magic of the ships being raised and lowered there.

I thought often of my dad as I looked at the ships he had worked on. I remembered when I lived in Thorold, in a house directly across from lock 7. My dad would be sitting on the couch and he would hear the ship in the lock and say “that sounds like the Algorail (or some other name)”. I would walk out to the front porch to check and sure enough it was the ship he named. When you work on engines I guess you learn to recognize them by sound. But I know that it was really that my dad was great and knew everything. *smile* He would have enjoyed looking through the pictures in the galleries at Boatnerd.

I read many stories of the accident in Allanburg and was glad to read that last night the canal was reopened. The Windoc was the ship that was damaged and it has been towed to spot where it will not interfere with shipping. I was thinking when I was reading the coverage about the accident that took out the Port Robinson bridge in the early 70’s. We were camping that summer and I remember when my dad came out to the campground after work and told us about how a ship called the Steelton had run into the bridge. That bridge was never replaced. All these years later there is still bitterness in the community about that. I was wondering how the residents of Allenburg will feel about having to use other routes to get across the canal now, since they will be without the bridge until it is repaired during the winter.

I had an email this morning from my stepmother. She seems to be keeping busy. She wrote to ask about banking info for depositing money into the kidlet’s account since his birthday is coming up soon. It was a nice newsy letter and I enjoyed reading it. She went on a cruise on one of the tall ships during Canal Days in Port Colborne. It sounds like it was a lot of fun. She also let me know that they have had my dad’s date added to the headstone where my mom and dad are buried and that when she was out there it was obvious that others have been coming to water flowers and such. I was glad to hear that even though I am not a person to go often to cemeteries, unless they are ones with stones that are from the 1700’s.

This morning the kidlet and I went shopping and I picked up cards. Being the efficient woman I am, I buy ahead every month or so and then am able to get cards out before the actual occasion. I got a card for my friend , who has a birthday coming up. When I got home and signed into lj, imagine my shock that I was completely wrong on the date and her birthday is today. Happy Birthday hon, I hope it was a great one!!

Time to go and start dinner. Every time I cook salmon I shake my head and think “who is this woman who is filleting her own fish?” I am becoming Swedenized and loving it. *laugh*

So we had a spat yesterday. Nothing big. He made a remark after I got upset about something and as I always do when I get angry, I growled, steamed, vented and calmed down.

During the steam phase, as I was walking the dog I was thinking, “fine, I will just go home where I would get sympathy when I am sick” (completely ignoring the fact that he has been babying me for a week. *laugh*) And then the thought occured … if I left, where would the kidlet live?

Years ago it would have been the safe bet that if a couple broke up, mom would take the kids and dad would pay support. But times have changed.

Here in Sweden apparently, I have sole custody of our son because we are not married. In Canada where he was born, we have shared custody according to something called “the common law”. (which I have never been able to find, just references to it) I know this because we have researched it. His father thinks it is ludicrous that a child of his, who was born elsewhere, where the laws state he has joint custody, is not considered his child here unless we sign papers where I give him joint custody. We have been talking about the absurdity of this for weeks.

So if I left, would I take our son? Or would I leave him with his dad? If I decided that it would be better for him to live with his dad, would that make me a bad mother? When I was growing up, if a father had custody, then everyone *knew* that the mother must be a monster. Is that still the common perception? How do people sort this out?

In all my researching about custody I saw many many documents about child custody issues and rights. I read many websites that talked about how moms should not have automatic custody and others that rampaged about deadbeat dads. At one point I had to put research on hold for a couple days, because it was getting to upsetting. But the thought is still there in my head. How do normal people perceive this?

I don’t plan on leaving, I am very much in love with this fellow and am making a life here in this new country. But it is something to ponder on. I can see that there are advantages for our son to be raised by his dad as there are advantages to his being raised by mom. It must be so hard to make those decisions, especially if you are in a situation where you are already in turmoil over the loss of a relationship. It is such an emotion fraught issue.

I am glad it is something I can ponder about but not have to actually deal with.

This is something I say often, but did not realize it until the kidlet started starting saying “oh my” in a shocked little voice. They are little mimics and I am glad that I am not one who was used to uttering profanities, or I would be struggling to break that habit. *laugh*

The “oh my” is in reference to something I read in an email a few minutes ago. It was a news item posted by the list moderator. The headline was “Shipping Accident Closes Great Lakes Canal”.

My heart dropped to my toes. I grew up on the canal. Well, beside it. My grandparents and sister and her family live there still. I was so worried that the accident had occurred at that lock. So I began searching through the usual sites I read daily to keep me abreast of news from home. I found this and breathed a sigh of relief.

The accident did not happen near my family and while there were 2 sailors with minor injuries, no one was killed. A lift bridge came down too quickly and sheared the wheel house and the smokestack off the laker. I will follow this story with great interest, since the canal and I have been intertwined for most of my life.